The Past

I find myself frequently reflecting on the past. As I do this I ask myself "Jaimie, why are you always thinking about the past?" For a while I thought maybe there was something wrong with me. Why couldn't I let go of things, people, places, situations, that had become "my history"? Shouldn't the past be "THE PAST"?

When I was really little my dad used to lay on my bed. I would rub his feet as he would tell me stories about his life. I remember thinking "My dad is the coolest person in the world. He has so many great stories and is such a great person. I hope one day I can be just like him."

Fast forward 17 years and here I am nearly 22 years old, married, and ready to have my first child in June. It is now that I am realizing I, like my dad, am building my story. The stories my father told me while I lay in bed at night were just small segments or chapters of his story.

As I flip back through the chapters of my life I see conflicts, heart breaks, strong friendships, trials, and many resolutions. It is because of these things that I am who I am today. I used to be ashamed of mistakes that I had made. I had times in my life where I would sit and cry because I didn't know what else to do. I had times of true deep despair in my heart, the kind that I could never be able to describe to anyone. There were times where I thought my heart had literally broken because it couldn't be just emotion that was hurting me that bad. I have also had times where I was so happy that I jumped for joy. I have had times throughout my life where I found passion and love for people and hobbies that gave me hope and helped me to see the good in the world. I had times where support from my family was the only support that I was given but it was strong enough to pull me out of the sinking holes that I got myself into. I have had times where happiness doesn't begin to describe how I felt.

Truth is my past, my "history" has made me who I am. I am no longer embarrassed of mistakes I have made or experiences I have had. I rejoice in the lessons I have learned. I constantly think about turning points in my life and how grateful I am for the people who have helped me stay strong. I am grateful for those people who have come into my life that have taught me lessons. I am grateful for those who have helped make me stronger. I am grateful for people who have helped me love deeper. I would not be where I am today without those people or those experiences. I will never forget where I have been, people who have made me better, and those who continue to help me strive to be better. I am forever grateful.