My pregnancy thus far... to be continued... untill she comes!

No one can prepare you for the day that you miss your period and decide to take a pregnancy test. First you will go in to the bathroom and stare at the test or read the box while wondering if maybe you are taking it to early. Then you will decide that the worst that could happen is your get a negative and then take another one in a few days if your period still hasn’t shown up. After finally deciding you are going to take the test “just for fun” you will then sit and stare for a few minutes. Your mind might play tricks on you so you may decide it would be better to set it down and come back in a couple minutes when it’s ready to read.

 Now, for me, when I went back to read my test the “positive” line was so faint (because lack of hormonal strength in how early a stage I was in) I thought maybe my eyes were just seeing things. I rushed the test to my husband and asked him “am I crazy or is there a line there???” I said, “its really faint so make sure you get a good look”. After really squinting his eyes and tilting his head he handed back the test with a smile and said, “I think there is!” I still was unbelieving so I called my sister, who is a nurse, and asked her if it was possible to get a bad test or a false positive. I told her that the line was so faint I wasn’t sure if it was for real. She was just as unsure as I was but mostly felt that if the test said positive (no matter how faint) it meant that my HCG levels were rising which meant I was probably pregnant. It was then that I started to really think, “Me? Pregnant? No way!!” So I decided to keep testing. I told myself I would only do a few more tests but for the first day it seemed like almost every hour on the hour I was in the bathroom taking a test to see if the line would get darker. I even tried a few old wives tale tests like (sorry TMI) putting dandelion leaves in a cup of my urine to see if the edges would turn red (which actually they did). What many people fail to mention is that no matter how many tests you take or do, it is extremely hard to believe that your body is producing a small human being. You continually feel as though Ashton Kutcher is going to pop out somewhere and scream “you’ve been punked.” Two days later, on my husbands birthday we got a test that was dark enough that we knew it had to be real.

 

             After the shock settles in a little bit you really start to feel those hormones. For me, they kicked my worrying switch on. I think this is the case for many mothers. I started to worry about anything and everything from insurance to “will picking that piece of paper up off the floor make me miscarry?” My first pregnancy symptom was probably crying. I cried about the most ridiculous things like, “will my family like my baby?” or “is someone going to feel burdened by me having a baby?”

 Everyone tells you to try and keep it a secret till you are about 12 weeks pregnant because the likelihood of a miscarriage goes down after that. I was 4 weeks when I found out and it was just barely under a week later that we could no longer hold it in. We told our parents and family members and that was it for a while. We didn’t want many people to know just in case we did miscarry but we also couldn’t keep it from our families. We found out in the beginning of October so we carved pumpkins with the words “Mom, Dad, and Baby” in it and sent the photo to our siblings in a text message. Apparently, it is better to call. We got a few phone calls saying, “are you serious? And you told us over a text?” Oooops! It seemed like a good idea at the time.

After about the first week of knowing and wondering if you are going to feel sick you start to get symptoms of morning sickness.  I can’t decide if I was lucky or if I was unfortunate because for the first 12 weeks my morning sickness consisted of extreme nausea and lack of appetite. I laid on the bathroom floor for weeks it seemed like. I was just waiting to throw up and feel some sort of relief but I never did. I felt horrible. The biggest meal that I had during that time consisted of potato chips and ginger ale. I felt so nasty that I brought a pillow and a blanket into the bathroom and set up camp. There were many times where I tried to lay in my own bed but because of the nausea I couldn’t stay. I either felt too worried I would throw up everywhere or  laying down with my eyes closed in a comfy bed made the feeling of being sea sick stronger. During the first trimester you will wonder to yourself how others hide it so well. You will feel and look like death and not understand how other people can walk around pretending like it is just any other day. You will wonder if there is something wrong with you because other pregnant women “CLEARLY” don’t feel incapable of going on with life but for some reason you do. This may make you break and you may begin to tell a few others (co-workers, your boss, a few friends) what is going on with you. They will try and give you advice on what worked for them and you will find that there isn’t a single thing they told you that helps you.

Something I wish I had really known deep in my heart is that everyone’s body is so different and this forces you to have to get to know your own body and what works best for it during this horrible time. For me, I had to have my husband force feed me while I laid on the bathroom floor for weeks.  I couldn’t think about food. I couldn’t talk about food. I didn’t want anything to do with food. Eventually I found a way to make a system where I knew when I could eat and what I could eat to get something in my system to feed me and the baby. The best and only advice that you can really take to heart in your first trimester is “the rule of survival”. Work to survive the first trimester. It may possibly be the hardest thing you have ever done and at times you will feel like you could just die and be done with it but the best thing you can do is just survive.

My first doctor’s appointment was when I was 8 weeks. I had high expectations. I thought I would meet my doctor and hear the baby’s heartbeat and maybe even get to see it on an ultra sound. I was excited but I was so nervous and that morning was the first time I threw up. It could have been a mixture of morning sickness and nerves. Instead of meeting with my doctor, I met with a different doctor’s nurse who gave me a gift bag, some pregnancy magazines, and advice. I was then sent to the lab and got my blood drawn. Last I went back to the receptionist, set up another appointment for 11 weeks, and left. I anxiously anticipated my 11 week appointment. Coincidentally, the morning of this, my next, appointment I got sick again. It continued to be a pattern for a while that I would always get sick right before my doctor’s appointment. I would get sick a few days in between but like clockwork I never seemed to hold back on the day of an appointment.  

At the 11 week appointment I met with my doctor and received my very first ultrasound. Before the appointment I knew what was coming and I went through a wave of emotions. I was so excited to see our little baby but at the same time I was terrified. What if they found something wrong? Or what if they did the ultrasound and there was no baby? As soon as I saw that little baby on the ultrasound all of my worries went away. I was at peace. I was amazed that my body could create another human. I was struck by this feeling of love for this little one that I knew could not survive without me. We were (literally) attached.

 

            There is an amazing feeling of love that cannot be explained when you see your baby on an ultrasound for the very first time. You feel as though you know the baby. He/she is a part of you. It’s almost like you are splitting your heart in half and giving it to this child out of a love that immediately overcomes you even though you don’t “know him/her” yet. You walk out of that office with this new found energy and happiness. For a moment you feel as though no pregnancy symptom could get you down. This week I was also able to take a test that many parents haven’t heard of. It was called a “Harmony Test”. This test is meant to check the baby’s DNA for genetic defects. My doctor explained to me that we could take the test and it would allow us to also find out the gender of the baby at that early stage. We agreed to take the test. For the test I went to the lab and they drew a few tubes of blood from me. They would then send the blood in for testing. They would put the blood under a microscope and find the baby’s DNA in my blood stream which would allow them to take a close look and see if there were any defects and also if there was an X or Y chromosome for a girl or boy. About 3 weeks later we found out the results that we were having a baby girl. We were in shock. We always thought we would have a lot of boys and a girl seemed sort of unreal to us. I remember the nurse telling me over the phone and I was absolutely speechless. I paused for a good thirty seconds trying to find the words to say and finally all that came out was an excited, “OK!” Because of my hesitation the nurse responded with a teasing tone saying, “is that alright?” Of course it was alright! What would they do if it wasn’t anyways? I was overjoyed. I have always wanted a baby girl.
          
             By now I was 13 weeks and doctors’ visits were a little boring the next few times. We just went in a checked her heartbeat. On the bright side this is the time when pregnancy symptoms started to finally ease up a little at a time. Somewhere between 16-18 weeks I started to feel great. I could eat food again which seemed like a huge improvement but I still had to be careful on what I ate, when I ate, and how fast I ate it. I began to realize that my body seemed to need food about every 2 hours at least. If I didn’t eat that often I would get sick. Of course there were times where I would eat that often and I would still get sick. During this time I also got familiar with techniques that would relax my body. Sometimes it was luke warm showers or baths. Other times it was massaging my stomach in a downward motion to help myself digest or even just taking naps. I also started a loving relationship with my new best friend calcium. I began drinking milk like it was going out of style and I became very familiar with Tums. These two things helped immensely in my battle against heartburn. As I found ways to nurse myself I began to feel like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Life became a whole lot easier.

At 20 weeks I went in for an ultrasound. This was an exciting appointment because it was the appointment that most people find out the gender of their baby. Even though we already knew she was a girl we were still excited and nervous to see if that was what the ultrasound showed as well. My husband and I were both amazed to see how much she had developed. She was so beautiful. We could see her beautiful hands and feet with all ten fingers and ten toes. We saw her heart beating in her chest. We saw her hiccup a few times. We saw her try and stretch and give a few energetic kicks. It was one of the most uplifting experiences I have had in my entire life. She was absolutely perfect.  The ultrasound tech gave us a cute pink bracelet with the words “it’s a girl” written on it. I began to wear it every day because I was so excited. It was around this time that we started to notice that our little one truly has a personality of her own. We were now able to feel her kicks and flips as she would test out all of her new abilities. She has been a very active baby ever since.

 

The next few appointments were just average check-ups. The doctor would measure my belly and check the heartbeat. At 24 weeks my doctor expressed that she was concerned that my placenta might have been lying a little low. She said she wanted me to schedule an ultrasound for 28 weeks to see the placement. I came home from my 24 week appointment and cried. I didn’t know what it meant to have a low lying placenta. I was scared for my baby. I had grown attached and I couldn’t imagine life without her. I cried because I felt helpless. I wanted to be told that everything was perfect and when I didn’t (no matter how seemingly small the concern was) I cried. After I cried I reminded myself that I didn’t even know what that meant. It could be nothing. I got on the internet and looked around at different discussion boards and pregnancy websites. It turned out that the only thing it really effected was you might have to get a C-section to deliver your baby but it was also commonly known that the placenta often times moves up as your belly expands and grows. At 28 weeks I went in for my ultrasound and everything was perfect yet again. The ultrasound tech said that everything was in its right place. I couldn’t have been more relieved.  

I had now made it through the first two trimesters. I felt on top of the world. It seemed like everything would be downhill from there but that isn’t always the case. Many people will tell you that in the first trimester you will feel horrible and the second trimester will give you some relief and the third trimester you will start to feel a little worse again. It is my belief that you never really get much relief but instead, you just trade certain symptoms for new or different symptoms. For example, my first trimester I dealt with horrible nausea and although that eased up going into my second trimester I traded it for vomiting and many bloody noses.  As I go through this final trimester I feel nausea at times but the worst part is all of the aches and pains you don’t understand that your body is going through. It doesn’t always help when you are achy and your baby wants to roll around in there. It becomes extremely hard to sleep because all of the pressure inside your body either causing you to have to get up and go potty a million times or just refusing to allow you to get comfortable. Oh, and if you get comfortable give it about 15 seconds and your baby will start kicking you right in the spot that was making you comfy. It may drive you crazy but you can’t help but continue to love knowing that your baby is healthy and doing well. Our little baby is so active that when she does move it feels like a whole mountain rolled over inside of you. She has so much personality. Whenever there is any pressure on any part of the belly she will automatically start trying to kick it. My husband Ben loves to “play this game with her”. He has also realized that when she is not moving she must be asleep; which is apparently his cue to “raspberry” (or make a small farting noise) on my tummy. Every time he does this our little girl jumps as though something just scared her. If she is sleeping, it works every time. You can’t help but laugh and feel bad for her at the same time.

I may not have completed my pregnancy journey yet but so far I have learned so much. Something that I will never forget is that no matter how hard the pain or how ill you feel, love for your family can conquer anything. The key to getting through pregnancy is to continually remind yourself of what this means. You are sacrificing your body, your strength, your “health” so that you can be a family. You are putting it all on the line because this one little baby will be worth it. This one little baby will change your life forever. One day you will look into your baby’s eyes and you will see God’s hands, you will see heaven, and you will know that life is a divine gift. As a woman I feel lucky to be able to create life, to sustain a life, to bring a new life into the world. I can’t wait to meet our little baby girl. She is already my pride and joy. I am grateful that God made it possible for families to be eternal. She will always be a part of my family. I will love her throughout all eternity.

“I love you forever. I like you for always. As long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.”

Mothers Always Cry

I remember being younger and always seeing my mom or other moms cry at the simplest things. My mother would sit in front of a movie and cry when the two main characters fell in love. My mom would cry when I sang in church. My mom would cry when I told her "thank you". She would cry when I would learn something new. The fact of the matter is that my mom would cry over just about everything in my eyes. 

I never understood why. When I would look at her and see her eyes full of tears I could never comprehend what I did to fill them. I would think to myself, "All I did was say thank you" or "All I did was cook dinner for her" or "all I did was say I was sorry, what's the big deal?"

As I am getting closer and closer to having my first daughter I am starting to understand. When I look around and see other children I see the possibility of what my daughter will be like. I see a child sharing and I think to myself "I hope my baby is like that", I see a toddler say "I love you" and I think "I hope my baby is like that", I see a kid pick his nose and I think "I hope my child doesn't do that". But at the end of the day I have all of these qualities floating around in my head of what I hope my daughter will turn out to be like. The real truth is that I can't even imagine what she will be like. There will be times where she is so "naughty" that I will want to lock her in a room. There will be times where she pushes my last button. There will be times where I just want to pull out all of my hair and look in the mirror to see if I am "going grey" yet. But, more often then not, there will be times where she exceeds all of my positive expectations. There will be times when she says, "mommy, I love you" or "mommy, thank you" or "mommy, can you kiss it better?" and my heart will melt and I will know that my daughter was a special gift from God that he graciously gave to me. And just like my mother, I will cry.

I don't have any children yet but as I experience my baby girl's growth through my first pregnancy I am already an emotional wreck. She started as just a tiny little embryo and 25 weeks later she has bones, organs, arms, legs, and even eyelashes. She has those tiny little toes and tiny fingers that I plan to hold and kiss. She even gets the hiccups. She loves meal time. She can kick so hard that you can see it through layers of blankets. She is not yet ready for this world but she will be because she will grow and time will slip through my fingers and I will cry. I cry when I see/ feel her move inside of me and I will cry when I witness her first breath. I will cry when she learns to crawl. I will cry when she giggles or smiles. I will cry when she utters her first word. I will cry when those crawls turn in to walking.

I will cry because there will be many moments (no matter how seemingly small) where she will manifest unto me that I am doing something right. Through all that she will do in life she will show me that my life has and will have purpose. She will be living proof that being a mother is a divine calling and I will cry. I will cry because every hair pulled from my head (both by me and probably by her too) will become worth it. I will cry because my little girl will show me a glimmer of Heaven presented in the flesh. I will cry because the bond between a child and mother is something that cannot be explained but can only be felt. You can feel it in every kind word, every smile, every nice gesture, every service, and every accomplishment your child makes. So you cry.

Mothers are capable of a love that cannot be described. It can only be explained as a love that comes straight from heaven. This is why mothers cry. This is why I will cry.

Modesty: Standing Tall by Standing out

Facebook has become a great place for bloggers to have their thoughts and writings seen. There seems to be a rise in blog posts going viral and people sharing thoughts that they agree or disagree with. I am drawn to many blogs through Facebook. Today I came across a post that I would like to share my own thoughts on. The article is titled "Modest is Not Hottest" by Rebecca Amoore.

I was once sitting in a Sacrament Meeting where one of the young women gave a talk on modesty. It was about the time we were just heading into summer and she clearly stated that she thought, "as we go in to summer women need a reminder on this lesson". It was two seconds in to the talk that I was appalled at the things she was saying; such as,"if you are sitting in church with too short of a skirt or too low of a shirt the Bishop is up on the stand being forced to look at you and you are tempting his thoughts". Now, I am sure her intentions were good but it made me wonder, "what are we teaching children, youth, and even ourselves about the importance of modesty"???

This question seemed to roll off my shoulder until today when I read Rebecca Amoore's article.
In this article she touches on her thoughts and feelings about modesty. She talks about how she feels that modesty should not be viewed as a tool to control men's thoughts or actions because that is demeaning towards women and their self worth. She feels that modesty should be viewed as a way to show that you respect the bodies that your Heavenly Father so graciously gave to you.

This article made me think about why I think it is important to dress modestly, what I have been taught, and what I know about dressing modestly. It is far too often that women (of all ages) are being told they must dress modestly so that they do not tempt men. That is like saying "don't go outside in a rain jacket because you might tempt the weather to rain". Women do not control the thoughts of men. Men control their own thoughts and how they choose to act on those thoughts. To say that the way women dress controls the way a man thinks is not only insulting to women but absolutely degrading to men. In this argument I truly feel bad for men and the way that society would paint them. Having the ability to control your thoughts and actually exercising self control are two completely different things and yet some would have you believe that they are one in the same. Men (and women) are completely capable of feeling, thinking, and acting with their own brains and to say otherwise is just ignorant. That being said, yes, women could dress themselves in a way that may be provocative and may tempt men but at the end of the day we all control our own thoughts and actions.

It would be nice in a perfect world to say how men and women should act as to not tempt each other but the world is not perfect, we are all human, we all make our own choices. The best thing we can do is control our own actions and our own thoughts. This may lead you to ask me, If I do not think modesty is important to help control the thoughts of others then why do I think it is important? To begin I would like to take us back to the time of Adam and Eve.

Adam and Eve were created by God and placed in the Garden of Eden. As the scriptures tell us they were told not to partake of the Fruit of a specific tree because if they did they would "surely die". Adam and Eve lived in the Garden and took guidance from our Heavenly Father. Lucifer was angry with the Father and had chosen to dedicate his days to tempting God's children to be led astray. He knew that Adam and Eve were told not to partake of the Fruit of the tree so what did he do? He tempted them to do just that, partake of the fruit. First he tempted Eve. He told her that if she wanted to have knowledge and become like God that she would have to partake of the fruit of the tree. In short, Eve partook and sought out Adam to have him partake as well. Adam partook of the fruit and Lucifer was pleased with himself. Next, God came to check on his children. The Lord called out for Adam saying "Where art thou". Adam said unto the Lord, "I heard thy voice in the Garden; because I was naked, I hid myself".  God then spoke with Adam and Eve about what had happened. God knew that because of the choices Adam and Eve had made that they would need to be cast out of the Garden. The Lord then talked with them about what he expected out of them. Adam and Eve made covenants with the Lord and then he clothed them in preparation for their new life.
Genesis 3:21 says "Unto Adam also and to his wife did the Lord God make coats of skins, and clothed them". They were then cast out of the Garden into the world that has become ours today. (This story can be found in the Bible. Genesis 3)

The detail of this story that I would like to emphasize is the part where he clothed them right before they were cast out of the Garden. Why? Why is it that they needed to be clothed? Why couldn't they go back to being naked? Was it because Satan made them ashamed of their bodies? Was it because the Lord was Angry with them? Was it because when they partook of the Fruit they realized being naked was bad? No. I do not believe that this was the case.

Here is where my opinion comes in to play. When we sin or do something wrong we feel guilt which could be attributed to feeling exposed in a way that we might want to hide. Adam and Eve did wrong and I am sure that they felt exposed and wanted to hide themselves. The difference in this story is that Adam and Eve were literally exposed (naked) and so they hid their literal nakedness from the Lord. When they hid they may have hid because of the feeling of guilt and fear translating into reason. They took the feeling of being exposed and guilty and used the excuse of literally being naked as a reason to hide. I feel as though we all do this.

When I do something wrong I feel guilty or exposed (I might even feel "naked").  I show these buried feelings through being grumpy or sad and I blame it on something as simple as "the dishes are dirty" when I know deep down what is really causing my distress. If I am to get any relief I have to reconcile with my Father in Heaven. I have to make a commitment to him and myself that I am going to be different and that I want to restore my relationship with him and do my best to follow him. I would like to think that in the story of Adam and Eve when the Lord gave them clothes it was symbolic of a new life. When we repent of our sins or when we are baptized we feel renewed, we feel almost as if we are starting a new life. I think the Lord clothed Adam and Eve to prepare them for a new world and a new life as to say here is your chance to start over. He understood that because of what they did they could not stay in the Garden of Eden.

In my opinion he clothed them as a symbol of new life, a symbol of starting over, a symbol of a new commitment. Not only would these clothes be a physical protection to them but they would serve as a constant reminder of how they have changed. To me this sounds similar to baptism and receiving the holy ghost. Although Jesus Christ had not yet come to earth to teach the world these principals yet God is consistent in his teaching so this was their way of "starting over" the best that they could until they received other gospel ordinances. The clothes would remind them about commitments they made to God as they began a new life (similar to the holy ghost). These clothes were a reminder to be better, a reminder to live the way God would want them to live, a reminder of the new commitments they had made with the Lord, a reminder of who they chose to serve.

So what does this have to do with modesty today?
God has given us bodies. These bodies are precious gifts that we should never take for granted. When we dress appropriately we are showing respect for this gift but we are also showing our commitment to serve God and submit to his will. When we dress inappropriately often times we are thinking with a carnal mind. We may be thinking thoughts such as, "I wonder if this will attract that boy?", "This will help me fit in", or "it's hot today so I think I will just wear short shorts and a tank top". But to what end? Are you willing to give up your spirituality just so you can "fit in", have a "significant other", or be what you think is "comfortable"? At the end of the day what matters most is our relationship with God. If you have to ask yourself if what you are wearing would be pleasing unto him or justify your reason for wearing it (even if it is just to yourself) then 9 out of 10 times it is not going to help you stay close to God and it probably isn't in accordance to what he would have you do.

This world does not need women (or men) who care about fitting in. We need more people who are willing to stand out and stand up for what is right. By dressing modestly you show a respect for yourself and a respect for God. When you choose to dress in modest attire it shows the world where your true commitment rests. We can show the Lord that we are following him and his plan for us through the way that we dress.

Proverbs 3:5-6 states,
"5 ¶Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

 6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

 

When we choose to dress inappropriately we are "leaning unto our own understanding". We are just human. We are not perfect and we do not know as much as we think we do sometimes. But as we take opportunities to dress modestly we are trusting in the Lord and acknowledging him. The Lord has a perfect vision and a perfect knowledge of how we, as his children, can be happy. As we do his will he will truly direct our paths. He will lead us down the path of true happiness. The carnal mind will slip away and temporal things will begin to be unimportant. As we look toward the eternities our faith and commitment to God is what really matters in this life. As we seek to submit to his will we will see many ways to show our devotion to him and many ways to show our appreciation for all that he has given to us. One of the best ways to start is by dressing in a way that we feel would be pleasing unto God. Let us be like Adam and Eve and dress in a way that shows who we are choosing to follow. Let us dress in a way to show our proud commitment to the Lord and his plan for us.

 

In conclusion I would like to steal the quote that Rebecca Amoore used in her blog. It states, modesty "is an outward display of an inward commitment."

 

I couldn't agree more.

 

 

If you would like to read Rebecca's article follow the link below. It is a worthwhile read and I appreciate the time she took to write it.

 

http://rebeccaamoore.wordpress.com/2014/02/15/modest-is-not-hottest/

 

One year older.... and wiser too?

Today is my 22nd birthday. As I get older I like to reflect back on how I have changed.

This is a picture of me when I turned 20 years old. It was my first semester of college. I was a confused freshman. I was coming to the end of a complex relationship. I was insecure. But most of all I was learning a lot about who I was and who I wanted to be.

 

 

It wasn't long after I took that picture that I found the man of my dreams. 6 months later Ben and I were married and the following January I turned 21.

 

This was the best year of my life so far. I have been challenged in ways that have brought me to my knees many times. I have been pushed to my "limits". I have learned, laughed, and loved more than I possibly could have imagined that I would. Over the last year Ben and I moved approximately 3 times. I have had 2 different jobs and even attended Cosmetology school for a while. Through all of my experiences I have seen the Lords hand in all that I do and where I end up. Every place that we have moved has been for our benefit. Every job and every minute I spent at school was for me to learn and to grow. I truly have felt Gods hand in my life over this last year. Ben and I spend a lot of time praying and trying to find our Father in Heaven's will for us. We have done our best to follow his will and we have seen real miracles in our life as we do so. One of the biggest blessings and miracles we have received over the last year was the blessing of getting pregnant. Today is not only my birthday but it marks the 20th week of my pregnancy. We were able to see an ultrasound of our little girl yesterday and she is completely healthy. Just another blessing from God.

As I laid in bed this morning I rolled over and thought to myself "I don't even care it's my birthday." At first I thought, "what a horrible attitude Jaimie, you do to care that it is your birthday". But something I realized is that it wasn't a bad attitude that made me think this. It was the fact that as I get older I realize every day is a gift. Every day brings something new for me and even though I get older on this day every year it doesn't make any other day less special. Today birthdays just feel like a day to remember the blessings I have received over the years and the blessings to come in the years to follow.

This coming year Ben and I will welcome our baby girl to the world. This is the biggest blessing I could ask for. As I blow out the candles on my cake my only wish will be that my baby girl will be healthy, strong, loving, generous, and love her Father in Heaven above anything else.

This year I cannot concentrate on myself. This year I feel too grateful for what God has blessed me with to feel as though I deserve more just because I am turning one year older. But I guess maybe that is what getting older is all about..... Learning to love God, learning to be grateful, learning to use everyday to serve him, learning that family is everything, and learning that through the Lord anything is possible.

Today I am grateful. Today I have grown. Today I am blessed. Today I am 22.



The Past

I find myself frequently reflecting on the past. As I do this I ask myself "Jaimie, why are you always thinking about the past?" For a while I thought maybe there was something wrong with me. Why couldn't I let go of things, people, places, situations, that had become "my history"? Shouldn't the past be "THE PAST"?

When I was really little my dad used to lay on my bed. I would rub his feet as he would tell me stories about his life. I remember thinking "My dad is the coolest person in the world. He has so many great stories and is such a great person. I hope one day I can be just like him."

Fast forward 17 years and here I am nearly 22 years old, married, and ready to have my first child in June. It is now that I am realizing I, like my dad, am building my story. The stories my father told me while I lay in bed at night were just small segments or chapters of his story.

As I flip back through the chapters of my life I see conflicts, heart breaks, strong friendships, trials, and many resolutions. It is because of these things that I am who I am today. I used to be ashamed of mistakes that I had made. I had times in my life where I would sit and cry because I didn't know what else to do. I had times of true deep despair in my heart, the kind that I could never be able to describe to anyone. There were times where I thought my heart had literally broken because it couldn't be just emotion that was hurting me that bad. I have also had times where I was so happy that I jumped for joy. I have had times throughout my life where I found passion and love for people and hobbies that gave me hope and helped me to see the good in the world. I had times where support from my family was the only support that I was given but it was strong enough to pull me out of the sinking holes that I got myself into. I have had times where happiness doesn't begin to describe how I felt.

Truth is my past, my "history" has made me who I am. I am no longer embarrassed of mistakes I have made or experiences I have had. I rejoice in the lessons I have learned. I constantly think about turning points in my life and how grateful I am for the people who have helped me stay strong. I am grateful for those people who have come into my life that have taught me lessons. I am grateful for those who have helped make me stronger. I am grateful for people who have helped me love deeper. I would not be where I am today without those people or those experiences. I will never forget where I have been, people who have made me better, and those who continue to help me strive to be better. I am forever grateful.

Who Am I?

I am Jaimie Robinson.

Recently, my husband and I had the opportunity to teach our Primary Children (Ages 6-7) the importance of names. We played an object game where we would show one of the children an object in a bag. They would be the only one to see it and they had to describe it to the rest of the class without using its name. For example, one child looked in the bag and saw a wooden star. He turned to the class and said "It has five points, it is yellow, and you find it on a Christmas tree". Almost immediately the children all raised their hands with excitement. They all knew it was a "star". We continued to play this game with seven different objects. All identified by their attributes.

After playing this game we realized that you can describe something and we can all identify its attributes. As the lesson went on I began to think "how would one describe me? how might someone identify Jaimie Robinson?"

If I were to describe myself I might start with my love for music. I have always had a deep connection with singing. I do not know if I am an amazing singer or even very good but I do know that it is something I love to do. When I sing I feel happy and closer to God.
Secondly, I love my family above anything else in the world. I cannot imagine life without them. They have been a huge influence in who I have become today.
Last, I love to see other people smile. I often find myself trying to comfort or take care of others because I cannot stand to see someone unhappy. This can be a taxing attribute as some might say I am a pushover or care too much. I will admit this can be true in some cases. But nonetheless it brings me so much joy to help others.

Others may describe me as someone who is obsessed with the color purple, possibly a little crazy and energetic, and mostly a happy person.

One day when someone hears the name Jaimie Robinson I would like to be identified as a woman who loves Jesus Christ and God above anything else. I want to be full of service. I want to do unto others as Jesus would have me do. I want to have the light of Christ shine through my eyes and reflect in my countenance. Nothing matters to me more than to please my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. I have experienced many things in my life so far and one thing I have learned is that when I am living in accordance to their will nothing can keep me from being truly happy. They have provided the way for me to experience true joy and as I do their will I know this to be true. I hope to continue to get closer to them and be more like them.